NunStory: New Postulant

What I dreaded happened. 

A new girl was entering the monastery.

This meant there would be three of us at the Novitiate. 

This meant also, except for feast days, 

We would not be joining the recreation with the community.

We would be spending it by ourselves at the Novitiate.

It was a blow too hard to bear.

Those earlier days, I literally lived for recreation with the community.

How could I do without it?

How could I live without it?

It was a crushing blow for me.

My survivor instinct kicked in.

I started writing poems and learning how to read in spanish.

I used the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux,

One in English and one in Spanish.

By comparing the two, I taught myself how to read in Spanish.

At recreation, I often mentally worked on ryhming the poems I was writing.

The new postulant, sister Helen, was in her early thirties.

She was actually very nice and wanted so much to do things with me.

She could not understand why I did not want to.

I stayed aloof, I was jealous of her. 

With her entry, she had become the youngest though not in age.

She lasted a year.

I felt awful when I learned she was leaving the monastery and blamed myself for it.

I went to the retreat priest and confessed that I was mean to her

And now she was leaving the monastery.  I drove her away.

He assured me she did not leave because I was mean to her.

That it was due to something else.

I told him about my meditation.

That I was not able to meditate, though it does not really bother me.

I was just happy being in the presence of God.

Like the story of the man who sat at the back of the Church,

Happy and kicking his legs, happy just to be with God.

He told me, "Sister, God is giving you the prayer of quiet."

His words left me stunned.

My immediate reaction was not awe God was giving it to me, 

but fear of committing the sin of pride.

According to St. Teresa of Avila, it is a supernatural state of prayer.

One cannot attain it by one's own efforts.

God gives it to whom he wills.

This meant, I am an elect of God.

Many are called, few are chosen.

I was one of the chosen ones.

Little wonder I feared pride would set in.