Life outside: A break from the Church

 One night I woke up with a line in my mind,

“The Church does not have a monopoly on God.”

Again, it was one of those earth shattering moments.

Where I felt the ground cut from under my feet.

To believe that my entire life, only to wake up to that truth overnight,

Was indeed earth shattering.

When I was in the class of Form Two.

I told my classmate who was a methodist,

“Your religion is fake. Only the Catholic Church is the true Church.”

Fortunately for me, religion was not that big for her, she ignored me.

I came across the inaction of Taoism and what a relief that was for me.

Until then, I had been pushing so hard to be a saint.

To be able to ease my own efforts was very freeing.

I continued to go to Mass but increasingly I noticed something happening with me.

Hostility and coldness, feeling trapped by the walls of the Church.

One day, I lifted my head and saw sunlight streaming through the ceiling,

My spirit took a flight out through that opening in the ceiling and it felt so good.

Gradually, I stopped participating at Mass but continued going even when I started feeling physically sick.

My mind told me to continue going while my body fought against it.

Dr. Gabor Mate has it so right when he said, when we do not say no, our bodies say it for us.

My heart would pound, my head feeling as though it would burst, all in resistance.

It came to a head one Sunday, when the priest spent half an hour of his sermon asking for donations.

He stopped only to watch while the congregation filled out the second check.

My body went into full fighter mode, making me feel literally sick.

I decided I need a break, just a short break.

I walked out. 

I did not take the back door. I walked right up to the priest, walked by him and out of the Church.

The short break actually lasted years.