I came across the books of Cardinal John Henry Newman. First it was his Apologia Pro Vita Sua. He wrote about looking out into the world and saw a world that was sad and depressing. Not his exact words but how I read it to be. That helped me immensely. I felt as though someone understood me.
I revelled in the way he went into his search for truth, the fire, youth and bravado that drove him. His spirit rubbed off me.
I came across his development of Christian doctrine and my eyes were opened. The mothers were completely against anything new hence Vatican Second but Christian doctrine can evolve with time and age.
They held all progressiveness to be bad but it is growth, progressiveness need not be bad, it can be development. That was a big point for me.
And then I saw the face of Cardinal Newman in the documents of Vatican Second and that left me enthralled.
Sister Maria was the only nun who appreciated my transformation. She was highly intelligent with a keen intellect. But to the entire community she was a mentally sick nun, who held dangerous and erroneous views. All newcomers were warned against her. Now she has company in me. We started conversing and sharing.
We were both pariahs. Most nuns dare not associate openly with us, for fear of incurring the displeasure of the mothers and others.
One recreation, a newcomer, Sister Rose asked me, under her breath, her lips barely moving as she whispered, “How can you stand it? You are all alone.”
I laughed quietly in return, “My shoulders are strong.”
And that was the image I portrayed. Bold and strong, Since I was labeled bad, I became free game for the three young nuns to pommel, with no holds barred. “Just the sight of her is enough for me to want to vomit,” Sister Mary A would say loudly, for me to hear. I ignored them all.
I was secured in my life with God. I started observing ten days of silence till Mother Margaret refused to let me do it.
I wanted papers to write, she would not give me any. I put together scrapes of white papers to write on.
As in the past, when I had God, I was impervious to everything but when I did not have God and was in one of the dark periods then whatever they did to me hurt and hurt badly.
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