Being a youtuber

Though I have a channel, at present I do not consider myself a youtuber.

It is because I am not actively engaged in it, as in Lives or active collaborations.

I started doing it, May of twenty twenty-two.

I had no prior experience.

When it was suggested I started one, I went into it full swing.

I made videos, I did live collaborations, I did solo Lives.

Apart from that, to get subscribers, I watched Lives of others.

I literally spent 24/7 on YouTube.

I did not even reflect on the implications.

I just did it.

Allowing myself to be totally consumed.

It was when I removed myself, I started seeing its effect.

One big one was the unending need for excitement.

The unending expectations of subscribers, more subscribers.

To gain that excitement, one has to be fully engaged.

Hence, being present at Livestreams of others.

Conducting livestreams with others.

Working on videos, aiming for one that hit.

Checking my channel non stop during the day.

First thing on waking up, last thing on going to bed.

The elation, the discouragement.

How many times did I not think, this is it.

This one Livestream, this one video will move me forward.

It never did, at least not for me.

And the channel would get stagnated.

And one has to find ways to get it moving.

When I removed myself, I trained myself to be in some form of obscurity.

Train myself to be happy with less, not to seek something daily, some form of excitement however small.

It was hard at first but I have my meditation,

My path to God, making that possible.

When circumstances removed me from all active participation,

all I experienced was immense relief.

Looking back, I found myself wondering.

How did I do that?

How did I, week after week, engaged in a solo live?

This apart from other collaborations.

It was because I felt called to do it.

It was my "service to others."

When that was removed, all I experienced was relief.

And now, if spirit does not ask me ever again to actively engage with my youtube channel.

I will be happy as I am now.

This format is easy, writing, engaging in automatic writing,

and using speech to text to put it into videos.

Meanwhile, I can concentrate on my path to God.

I want to arrive at where, my prayers are effective.

When like saints and sages, my presence alone can be of help to others.

Though I had achieved that with the actively dying.

I did not need to do anything, or say anything.

Just my presence alone brought them peace.

It is because when a soul is so close to crossing over,

They traverse time and space.

They are not bound to their bodies.

Though in coma, they knew I was there.