God- the God in me

 After I left the monastery, my fear of rejection was such,

before anyone has the chance to reject me, I would move away from them.

It is inconceivable today but at the time, I really believed there was a monster in me.

That when people get close to me, they would see that monster and reject me.

It was all the harder because I did not know what that monster was.

All I knew was that when people got to know me better, this monster would emerge and they rejected me.

It was actually not people but the nuns.

As much as I reminded myself it was the nuns only, I could not shake that belief.

I thought of myself as an apple also, beautiful outside.

But when you cut it inside, it is rotten inside.

One day, caught up in this maelstrom of self perception.

I went to the privacy of the bathroom to work this out.

Sitting on the floor, in such moments of stress.

I could not sit in the chair.

Sitting on the floor gives me some modicum of comfort.

Seated there, gripped by fears of rejection.

I turned my gaze inwards and saw God.

God will never reject me.

God will always be with me.

God will always love me, as I am, regardless of who and what I am.

That was the moment when God became grounded in me.

Everything and everyone could reject me, God would always love me.

He became my inner strength, accounting for what I am today,

strong, resilient, able to weather any storm.