I was hell bent on purchasing bulk amount of fruits.
What would I do with it?
I asked myself?
I cannot eat all that fruit.
But those are all the fruits I like.
After struggling with it for a while, I heard clearly,
"You do not have to give yourself everything you want."
I realized I do.
I go after almost everything I desire.
Most of them small and inconsequential.
Self-denial, I am not known to deny myself anything.
I did that as nun, went to the extreme in mortifying my taste.
After I left, I went to the other extreme.
No suffering and no self-denial.
Why self-denial?
The saints, the renunciates of Indian mystics know the value of that.
And this is my first lesson on not giving in to my every whims and desires.
It is coming to me now.
One of my personality flaws is just this.
Impulsiveness, rash actions and something else when I was younger,
capriciousness.
A no was never a no for me.
I would find ways to turn it into a yes.
This is a reminder to me, more is given, more is expected.
The path to God is not easy,
However, the rewards are great, having God.
With every dark night, however small,
God is more experience and that is bliss.
The bliss, one would not exchange for anything in the world.
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