The pain of not being loved, not being accepted as I was, ate into me.
The older nuns did love me, so why did I feel so unloved?
Because the hate was louder, voiced in criticism and looks of displeasure.
While the love was mostly silent, spectators looking on,
while the younger nuns tore me apart.
Walking in the garden one day, I cried out with distress.
A leopard cannot change its spots, neither can I.
I am like a wild plant, a wildflower, shower me with love and I bloom.
Placed in an environment not ideal and it brings out the worst in me.
And it did, that loveless environment did bring the worst out of me.
It was so bad, one night, I saw Sister Assunta talking to the mother prioress,
her good arm raised showing her outrage and displeasure.
I sensed it had to do with me.
The following day, Mother Therese told me,
"Last night, Sister Assunta told Mother Prioress,
'Sister Mary Gertrude has to be sent home. There is no way she could be a nun here.'"
Sister Assunta entered the monastery same time as Mother Therese.
Mother Therese held her in high regard and often extolled her virtues,
how she lived through a painful childhood and survived breast cancer twice.
Immense suffering was enough to turn anyone into a saint but not for me
I was not impressed with Sister Assunta.
While mother Therese was very humble and self effacing, open minded and flexible.
Sister Assunta has a strong personality and was inflexible.
Everything had to go her way or she would get visibly agitated.
The entire community bent to her but not the newest edition, the postulant.
I clashed with her a few times and was not afraid to go against her.
They did not sent me away, probably because for all my faults and failings,
I was intent on attaining to God.
Everything happens for a reason, as also here.
Not experiencing love, dying for want of love,
to survive this state of unhappiness, I went into myself and found God.
"Be a soul of prayer," I took to that term and applied myself to it.
Whenever we have feast days and on Sundays, I spend as much time in meditation as possible.
This led me to the prayer of simplicity.
I was to enter into prayer of the Quiet soon.
But first came the great awakening.
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